I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.