Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie