Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to