I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?