Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
my name if I was in the mob
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.