Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I was bored.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.