[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
hi friends- for the new year I鈥檓 taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY鈥橲 POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it鈥檚 only a 14 hour drive?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it鈥檚 real.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
馃幎Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don鈥檛 mean either now.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.