I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40