God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…