I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.