#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back