Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
fr
crazy
Is fructose made with real fruct?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
With this onion ring, I thee fed
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Hey I worked for it too!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”