Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.