Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I love the National Park Service.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]