do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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B
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
umm…
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
me when the borders lift
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK