Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
mumsnet is amazing
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.