Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Denise please return my vape pen
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Tastes like chicken.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.