Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
the official breakfast of 2021
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
good morning
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work