Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Not all heroes wear capes….
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.