If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”