I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂