[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game