When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize