*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I’ve had relationships like this
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late