Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me