After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.