Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!