Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
ibopfufen
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!