*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
You Might Also Like
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]