Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Rambo Rambow
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”