ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
R.I.P.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta