(yawn)
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
water it, i dare you
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.