“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You Might Also Like
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Oh deer
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.