You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.