If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Don’t tell me what to do
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.