[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.