Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
You Might Also Like
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.