If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
my lower back watching me try to live my life
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel