Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Strange
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?