i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Mornin
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.