*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
This is sending me to another galaxy
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
How I’d get arrested…
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.