It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”