I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Love it! 👍😂
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do