If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.