*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
this is the most humiliating day of my life
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice