What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow