Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
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