Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
😜
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
There’s never enough good news
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
And then there were 4
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole