wut hotdog?
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Put a ring on it
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
This is a whole mood;
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.