I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.